Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Thanks for the Beyonce article. In other news, I just passed a man with the state of Florida tattooed on his face.
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
All I remember is while we were making out M.A.A.D City came on so I pushed him off of me so I could rap along.
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
I someohow managed to lose my butt plug in tne midst of moving to B.C. and I am not a happy camper.
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
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