can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
His moose knuckle keeps winkin at me
is it bad that the first thing i do when i get downstairs is go on farm town?
You were asking people if they could pee on you while you shotgunned beers
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
We can get Dustin to help us. I think he'd be good at luring girls into a dark alley.
my way of studying for our final tomorrow: registering online to retake the class in the fall
We hung out in the bathroom the whole time and talked about sex and watched some girl pee. If you don't believe I was there, check the bathtub for bread crust.
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
ask me again when I'm sobewr aka tuesday
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
Tinder recommend to a friend: making threesomes easier since 2016
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
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