Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
ok understand this, i didn't pay for your dinner bc you said i wasn't going to get a blowjob for at least a month... this isn't a mail-in rebate deal, you gotta pay upfront
She literally thanked me for asking before I put in her ass
it was like having sex with a tree stump
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
I thought my period ended but I felt it again as soon as Pitbull started playing
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
He sent me a pic stitch collage of all the tit pics I had sexted him this month. It was so sweet!
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
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