I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
I told him that he is like a snow storm I never know when he is coming, how many inches I will get, or how long it will last
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
She just left after she spent the past 2.5 hours fuckin the shit out of me. I'll put that in the logbook as a cross country
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
I have reached the point in my life where I realized this is what I'm going to do for the rest of my life. Eat, shit , bar, drink, drank, drunk.
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours
My sugar daddy is a bigger asshole than i am. What's wrong here?
WHY IS FOOD SO DELICIOUS
BECAUSE SCIENCE
All I wanted was a couple of orgasms before work, is that too much to ask?!
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