i sleep in a fine layer of vodka and semen. i don't know that that would appropriate for a pajama rally.
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
thanks for brining me home and putting me in my bed. the pillow fort your built around me is also appreciated.
I think we can all agree that the size of her boobs, combined with beer, is destroying my ability to judge looks.
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
Not even official and he's cleaned my puke twice. His hotdog skills are an added bonus. I've got a keeper
WAIT MOM THIS DOESNT NEED TO BE A FAMILY EVENT OK AARON DOESNT NEED TO BE AROUND FOR NIPPLEGATE 2014
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
Take off your clothes and see if he wants to have sex, that's a good way to find out
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
Having random cyber sex while watching to catch a predator just seems wrong.
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
it was like where's waldo, only the stakes were much higher.
Only you would try street racing in a Volvo.
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
Randomize
