I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
i now know how you feel when you have to walk me home. she ran into a streetlight and into garbage.
I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
I think i'm just gonna start shot-gunning everything that comes in can form.
You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
I found a pair a guys underwear in my purse that has a British flag on it and says and I quote "British beef" what.the.fuck.
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
Today I left one job interview, showed up randomly at his house for a midday bootycall then left right after to attend my second job interview. I got both jobs
I'm just gonna go with where the wind takes me. if it takes me to his dick, so be it.
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
She pinched my nipples too hard I THINK THEYRE GONE
I TOLD YOU ABOUT GOTH CHICKS BRO. I WARNED YOU
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
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