broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
It wasn't like a party or anything. They played PlayStation and talked about sports. Then I threw up on his porch.
Also I found and fixed my beer gun.
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
Well I woke up naked, with a santa hat on, and a bag of beef jerky next to me. So yeah, I would say it was a pretty successful trolley
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
I told him that I wanted his dick like I wanted a jumbo hot dog. There something wrong with my priorities
how should I feel if a guy kept complimenting my bangs while I was giving him a blowjob?
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
He was simultaneously rubbing my shoulders and fucking me. I'm keeping him.
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Randomize
