I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
it was all downhill after the free blackjack taco
Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
I'm crawling around naked in my room looking for my hairbrush. Just thought I'd put that image in your head.
you woke me up at 7 am banging on my wall.. what the hell
thats the international knock for joint time
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
Everyone threw up but him. I took off my shirt because I puked on it. There were also a lot of drag queens involved.
Chick last night said she only gets off if she rubs her childhood blanket her parents gave her during sex
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
I deserve to be covered in dicks
me + whiskey = a bad person
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
I woke up naked in this guys bed and the first thing I start saying is it's super bowl Sunday like I was yelling