I'm really into asian looking animals
I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
Things are going great. I have tons of beer, margaritas, and theres an inflatable swan in the mix.
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
This Girl Got Ghosted By Her BF Of 5 Years While On A Trip They Took For Her Birthday
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
People Are Applauding Chrissy Teigen For Getting Candid About Breast-Pumping
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
YOU'RE CHANGING THE SUBJECT. I CAN BLOW SOMETHING UP OR I CAN TELL HIM YOU LOVE HIM, BUT ONE OF THE TWO IS BOUND TO HAPPEN
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
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