She ordered a salad and a budweiser. I love her.
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
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It was like the perfect storm of bad decisions.
Sexual tension squid is drowning in the sexual tension
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
I'm convinced that the Christmas lights in my room contributed to the great sex.
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Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
You had a fry stuck to your face... Every five mins you would wake up, take a bite, put it back then fall asleep again...
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.