I wish my penis had an off switch
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
Needing to keep one leg on the floor during sex so you dont spin should qualify for some kind of drunk award.
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
The strip club incident sums up our friendship pretty well
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
I'm extremely upset that I wasted my "having sex with a guy at work" card on him
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
Lol, maybe a little bit. I don't know. I don't keep a super keen memory log of dicks honestly.
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
How's the party?
I'm watching two people get flogged. Sothere's that.
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