you think thats bad? Today I had to pop a zit on my sack.
You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
I would do things to you that would get us burned at the stake if we lived in a puritan village.
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
She looks like Sash Grey but sounds like Fran Drescher. Advise.
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
She just told me she thinks she bruised her labia in class
Just say the word and u can be elbow deep in this glorious rack
This is why I love you...
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
I get so sad when I watch him slowly destroy his life with whiskey and cocaine. Then he bites my neck and I just want to fuck him. I can't help it.
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