Spencer Pratt, I WILL beat the shit out of you someday, I Promise
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
dont be like that, i wasnt picking him over you. I was picking multiple orgasms over zoolander.
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
Ok, it is technically a gay bar but it's a total dive w/ strong drinks. The important thing is you can start drinking at 11:00 am without judgement
oh oh oh, and apparently you can bring in your own snacks. Some old dude just gave me cashews and cheetos.
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
It's a never ending cycle of men I've fucked knowing other men I've fucked. I need a new town.
Thinking of someone think of me while masturbating while I masturbate. & that's how the over thinkers do it ✌️
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
I think I may have fully transcended this spectrum of life. I can see beams of light man. Down to the photons
What
The only downside is I can't stop skipping
Randomize
