Ben's a prick.
What Ben are you talking about?
All the bens across all the lands
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
She's doing shots in her underwear, a fur hat and mittens. I'm never coming home.
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
If it's up to me, I'll already have my pants on and walking out before he gets soft afterward.
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
How high is the bridge and how deep is the water and what are the chances I will get arrested
I was going to say "wearing plaid doesn't make you gay, I wear plaid!" but then... heavy sigh
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
So our bartender was in the bathroom the same time I was so I ordered a beer mid stream.....is that weird?
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
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