she burped and cried multiple times. it was like i was getting head from a baby.
He just kept yelling woof and then threw money all over me...
I just don't see what's wrong with carrying a water bottle around.
It's not the bottle. It's the fact that you're drinking wine out of a sport bottle at 9 am.
All I know is I woke up next to her beside the toilet
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Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
I'm using her two yr old as a arm rest while I attempt to feel her up. Somehow she is allowing it. How this transitions to sex should be interesting.
seeing two freshman taking a cab home at noon on a Monday makes me realize how much worse my life choices could have been
He was making Jim beam nachos. Chips soaked in whiskey with cheese
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HE WAS DRESSED LIKE A FISHERMAN AND HE WAS LIKE OH SHIT I THINK I JUST FOUND THE DEADLIEST CATCH i couldnt not go for it my honour compelled me
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
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