He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
Ok I can't be your drugdealer AND booty call AND friend. It just doesn't work that way
You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
Oh we will ALWAYS be together. Or I'll have to delete my Facebook altogether. I've drunkenly boobie trapped photos of us into every album. There's no way I'd ever have the patience to go through that deletion process.
he fucked me to the beat of the construction going on outside my house. i will never look at jackhammers the same ever again.
I ate her out for so long I might actually shit a vagina
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
Randomize
