My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
It's a toss up. They'll either laugh and watch you drunkenly fuck on the beach or they'll throw you deep in Mexican jail.
We were pulling the glow sticks off of him and he just kept yelling, "my bones! You're taking my bones!" and asking me if I was on the crew team
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
I got off F O U R times, just because he wanted to hear me moan. He is my hero.
Ahhh, the bane of our relationship.... His mediocre penis
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