I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
after eating me out, he asked for something to drink. i gave him a glass of water and he said he needed something stronger.
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
Well he has a girlfriend. So I told him that I wanted to have sex way more than I wanted to be a decent human being.
I just picked up my chili cheese fries off the ground ate them, and then licked up the cheese that was still on the concrete. Thank you Jagerbombs
I don't deserve a penis
I feel so much better about my break up knowing that he's having his 26th birthday at Rollar kingdom\n
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
Do you ever get so high you're like vibrating
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
You took the glass microwave plate and said it was the closest thing to a frisbee, let me know how that works out for you
Randomize
