New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
You stumbled in at 10am, half-clothed and still drunk from last night and yelled "well, its not called a walk of pride!", then passed out on the couch.
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
I just want to braid flowers into his hair and steal all of his pills.
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
That seems dangerous to buy acid from a stranger on craigslist
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
Should I wish him a happy birthday?
Well he has been inside of you enough times that you probably should.
You some how ended up sleeping on one of the beams that run along the ceiling of your house
Randomize
