This is worse that I thought. He's playing violin for me.
In preparation of Wine in the Woods next weekend, today we're hosting Straight Vodka in the Bathtub
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
You made out with a guy who refers to his cock as "rafiki." Are you proud of yourself?
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
I'm sure it's not the worst thing to ever come out of my ass
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
what do you mean i can't make cookies with a blow dryer? challenge accepted.
I'm fine w planning around your penis prospecting. Saturday it is.
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
All I want right now is a waffle and some fried chicken and a penis.
Randomize
