I'd really appreciate it if we could dress up as pilgrims and indians for the thanksgiving eve bar crawl
you came here, splled a bunch of margaritas, hung up a picture of yourself and then left
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over.
I was judging you.
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
You have to summon your inner elephant
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
...I watched him run on the beach yesterday and I think I started ovulating
I started keeping track of my period when I realized you had a better grasp of it than me.
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
Randomize
