Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
so the situation is a+b=c where "a" is how much you weight, "b" is my gravitational pull, and "c" is how erect your penis is.
I have the worst wedgie. Seriously. Its horible. And there are people everywhere around me.
Slide your hand down the back of your pants and shift to the side slowly
...are you coming on to me?
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
It was then that he suggested we all nibble ears. A nibble circle.
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
Things I can say. There is a photo of me pouring whipped cream into a midgets mouth.
we drunk the bar out of liquor so the guy was selling us bottles of wine for $2a each. Only good thing to come outta this flood
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
I was like wtf you can warn a girl like hey I have a huge dick and I fuck for hours
Someone google feeding your vagina Advil and Neosporin
Is it unethical to trim my bush hair with the scissors from my office?
Possibly having a threesome with my ex boyfriend and his current girlfriend was great closure on that subject
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
Randomize
