you were the other women for BOTH people in the relationship?
you dont seem to understand my overwhelming need to watch space jam right now
how can i incorporate a boy scout uniform into what i do tonight?
If you're going to outback I'll have to decline, I've slept with a large enough portion of their staff already.
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
You are like a vicious sex animal persistently seeking prey
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
so in other words, they broke and fell off and I ate a gummy life saver off of his balls
I'm wine drunk & this is not good news for anybody
Dude. I keep thinking about how I let a man gum my vagina.
It's not even noon and I've had 3 people call me a savage, one of them said it in reference to the blow job I gave them. So I guess you could say it's going to be a good weekend
Randomize
