I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
You showed the cops outside of the bar your boobs and then decided to go apologize to them. They admitted that the reason they hung out there was because of girls like you.
Well girls crying gets you hard so you're not really a good standard to me
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
He burnt his arm on the grill, then turned around and started blaming it on the burger buns...I think it's safe to say he's drunk.
Did your surprise acid trip turn out well?
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
He called his dick the "gentle giant"
But of course I'm in. After all, what fun would the holidays be without trying to find the perfect gift to impress someone you've never met, but need the approval of??
i was really depressed when i left the health dept this morning after i had to write a higher number next to "partners" than "age"
Chaz got drunk and passed out so we superglued a kazoo to his mouth. Listening to him Panic when he woke up was fucking hilarious.
Randomize
