Just woke up naked in my storage cubby and some one rearragned my whole room?
no jk, not my room
After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
I give out O-faces like they're halloween candy
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
Have you fucked anyone in the hospital yet because obviously this illness isnt worth it unless you do. I MISS YOUR HEALTH
My stomach is revolting cause i have put food in it and no alcohol.
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
The upside of a losing football weekend is that there are more sad frat boys willing to let loose their inner gay man.
Proudest moment of my life. Just watched a guy walk into the side of a car because I winked at him. Love these yoga pants and my hair. Fuck yes. His mouth was hanging open.
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
I m a li title tea p or short and sto u. T.... Here is my haaandley
C ANGT CATCH NE IM THE GIBNGER BREAS MAB
The only way he could ever pleasure me is if he lit himself on fire and let me watch
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
Randomize
