you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
he just flipped me off the bed, said "deal with it", and came on me.
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.
Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth
And he came by and picked me up. We cuddled in his car then had sex until... an officer doing his rounds put a spotlight on crazy haired, naked me straddling him.
Like he was inside me when I made eye contact with a police man.
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
I got sprayed in the face with titty milk and I'm still so traumatized
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
No bra. No panties. Makeup from last night. At work right now. I am trash.
Randomize
