listening to techno makes your hand move faster while masterbating
Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
I'm telling you the guy came in bought a box of condoms and all three of the chicks that came in behind him followed him to his car. I want his life
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
Hey nothing wrong with those! I can't believe the guys who let me see where they live on first dates. Even more surprising, I don't stalk them after they've done me wrong.
I fell asleep on the floor again. i dont want help, just a pillow. its kind of nice down here.
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
Worst way to find out I have a half sister
He wants me to fart in his mouth and is offering me SOOOO much coke. I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. GIVE ME ADVICE.
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
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