You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
all i need in life is blowjobs and white cheddar cheezits
I queefed so loud it echoed.
I just had one of those moments where i was really sad that i'll never get to be asian.
And I'm supposed to be surprised that you got another concussion?
We have a drunken confused pantless man in our apt. Boots.
I cant. There's fences everywhere and I think I have a boyfriend. Its fabulous.
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
Dicks are so weird. He has kind of a feminine comforter in the background.
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
Just a little. Like do I say "hey I'm the girl that's fucking your son, nice to meet you"
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
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