Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
I'm not a pervert.. I just like to be naked...
That drug basically just makes anything that's in your mouth awesome
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
5th glass of wine. There's pictures of Jesus everywhere. It's like you're constantly reminded of your sins here.
Your CAR. Is in a LAKE. I'd say "a big mess" is a pretty conservative description of the situation.
Eric and I just went in the hallway to practice our new handshake in a real life situation at live speeds. That high.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
Do you remember peeing in the sink while I was throwing up?
No ma'am, I do not. I found a video of us trying to do a trust fall though. Emphasis on the trying.
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
I smell like Dick and happiness
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
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