they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
There's a Sam Adams brew house. How were we not supposed to go
HAPPY NEWYEARSM FAGTRON! GETTING HEAD IN TAXI I WIN
they pretty much knew i was there to get drunk and fuck their daughter
You are softly singing to the wall while slow dancing with it. I feel as though you should discontinue this behavior.
A total of 95 cents was stuck to my ass the next morning.
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
I am making it a rule that only people I am comfortable around enough to not have to put a bra on are allowed for Sunday funday. I think that's a good rule for someone who started drinking alone at noon while everyone else here sipped their coffee.
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
I think he is using me to sort through his relationship issues, past and present. I did not sign up for this. All I want is booty. Am I the dude in this relationship?
my penis made a compromise with my morals
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