drinking warm bud heavies i found in the garage and googling how to tell the gosselin kids apart.
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
nah, its part of my diet to keep track of the servings of everything i put into my body
how many servings is brandon's dick?
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
I love Japanese schoolgirls with short skirts riding bikes on windy days.
You're never coming back, are you?
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
I vaguely remember having a 'grass is greener' conversation about our nipples. Dream or beautiful reality?
Beautiful, beautiful reality
Her idea of kinky involved a tazer
wtf?
I'm going back tonight
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
Randomize
