I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
i literally in my bathroom watching tv from across the hall while trying not to fall asleep with my dog keeping my feet warm. wednesday's shouldnt be like this
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
Liquid roulette time! Black Mystery Cups are filled with either ipecac, whiskey, or NyQuil. Let's have fun
I've officially done it all, fucked a girl wearing a twister board. ABC parties are amazing!
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
People were drinking out of 26ers with straws, and somewhere someone yelled "fill me with dicks!" I'm home.
I just threw in a dip with a guy that superglued his fake tooth back in today. My life is complete.
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
Randomize
