Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
porn bloobers exist! never have i laughed so hard while jerking off!
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
He was just laying on the stairs and then screamed, "Is that a clubhouse?" I haven't seen him since
And after we were done he said "Let's play a game! Who can find their clothes first"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
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