I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
im having a hard time not telling ppl about ur bathroom story
He shouted my World of Warcraft name while we were having sex, and he was sober.
best googles of the semester: toe fucking, purpose of two nostrils, human tail. with pictures
No gym. Sooooo hung over. Just puked up the water I drank and it still has ice cubes in it.
just so you know... i was wasted last night, but the evening is coming back to me in flashes... i made you eat gravy last night, didn't i?
we just finished a porn and sex toy shopping spree. this is the fun part of "being serious"
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
but how can he casually chat with my father 8 hours after asking me if i'm a screamer
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
I didnt know whether I was going to vomit or orgasm because I was feeling both sensations
Randomize
