Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
slow down on the beer.. we don't need another pentabong projectile hot dog incident
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
I hope you get some kind or rare disease that makes your dick ties itself in a knot for fucking her you lucky bastard.
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
I shaved my entire vagina for a man who had the personality of a potato and a C- orgasm. Life is a series of disappointments.
I woke up naked wrapped in a wolf blanket on the bathroom floor
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
Fun fact. I just wrapped myself in wrapping paper for a sext. Is this a new high or a new low stay tuned.
he was wearing a pyjama shirt under a dress shirt under a hoodie under a robe under a rain poncho the man was prepared for anything
I got there and she was on her balcony drinking out of a bottle of vodka and smoking a cigar.
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