in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
Just heard her singing at the school concert... I am honored my penis was touched by those pipes
dude, showing up drunk to physics was the best idea ever. I just tripled my participation for the semester. I love st pattys day
well after this past weeked you can expect to see me on maury playing a little game called "who's the father"
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
Either I'm paranoid or I swear my parents rigged my house so you can never sneak in or have the munchies without being loud.
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
Some nice lady just gave me a beer out of her purse. I love youth hockey
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
I've decided to have sex with him one more time to make sure I don't like him
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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