she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
I found out that they tried to reenact the Snooki drop by using a jump rope and the banister. Pictures say it all.
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
Um yeah. I just puked. And found your contact.
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
is caitlin alive?
ya she's alive she's watching a movie
ok remind her she drank toilet water then.
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
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