Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
Double fisting Gray Goose bottles. We've officially ruined her.
The tent neighbors already set us on fire w an errant roach. How do you think Bonnaroo's going?!
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Responsibility does not care about your dick.
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
Let's just cut to the chase. I'm not interested in anything romantic but I aAM interested in Tom Petty and maybe getting high and fucking you again for old times sake.
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
Was it you who made out with a toothless guy last night?
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
You made out with him a lot. Almost as much as you told everyone Paul was the zamboni guy.
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
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