i am so afraid to go to the bathroom. i am afraid i am going to fall asleep on the toillet.
Special does not even begin to describe that text.
my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
just graduated on the spot on the quad where I vommed freshman year. full circle
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
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Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
she played "i just wanna get married" by jagged edge while we were having sex. why cant i avoid stage 5 clingers
Well for starters, her tits were hairy.
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
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lets do drugs on my lunch break tomorrow
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
after what u told me last night I think we're past the wtf zone and at this point u should just join me in wondering if my barista lover is a gay porn star
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
Idk what y'all are doing but I just want you to know I'm home and if I hear him say "slap it" one more time I'm moving out
You showed up at 4 am holding a beer and wearing a wig you apparently found in the dumpster.
That explains some things...
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