I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
There is a clear recurring theme of me having sex in restrooms that really needs to stops
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
orgasmnado...tomorrow night
That's what I'm talking about
Way to go. Now you have no beer and I have a cold tit.
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
I would go disguised as someone he didn't have premature ejaculative sex with but I don't know if I could stay in character.
went to class still drunk this morning and my professor made the class give me a round of applause and said, "see people, THIS is inspirational... if she can make it to class in this condition there is no excuse not to show up!"
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