Do brothers usually kiss their sisters?
She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
Here. I am here. I do not know where here is but it includes condom balloons, a keg castle, and a shaved goat. Do not find me...I am in post blackout heaven.
Yeah things got weird. You ate an entire bag of hotdog buns, then tried to catch a tree on fire with a candle.
The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
All I know is that I woke up in a soccer players' dorm, and he said that I kept telling him my mouth was a "net for his balls" last night at the bar..
The compounded multi day delayed hangover hit me hard today, with a vengeance normally reserved for large objects that go in my ass. I don't feel good.
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
You are an awesome peach made of glitter.
I made it 1 week... 5 business days at my new job before sleeping with my coworker.
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
Randomize
