I'm driving behind a lime green VW that has "Seniors '10!" shoe polished on the rear window. i haven't even seen her yet, but I do have a boner.
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
So after I was tied with a feather boa he left me there with KFC and cherry coke
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
No, fuck buddies don't get birthday party privledges...
Sorry.
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
I don't care if his family has ties to the mafia, you go over there, ride his dick until it breaks off, put his dick back on, and keep on riding. Lather, rinse, repeat.
Thanks for the support, sis.
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
I have a mild substance abuse problem, but I'm still a functioning member of society. America.
Randomize
