Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Every time a guy reaches down to touch my vag, i feel really sorry for all the transgender girls who still have a penis there.
That's weird cause every time i feel a girls vag i feel way worse for all the guys who reached down there and got a penis.
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
So one buddy got tackled at the urinals by national guard members and was arrested. Another had sex in a port o potty with possibly the drunkest girl I've ever encountered. The rest of us blacked out and won a few bets. So yes, the derby did meet our expectations.
Satisfying Perfect Camera Moments
Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
This Dog Travel Carrier is a Must
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
This place is full of unfortunate mustaches.
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together