Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you?
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I need a DD tuesday morning around 9 AM
I'm scared to ask why.....
1st bikini wax. Jose Cuervo is helping me prepare.
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
Count me out. I seem to have semen induced blindness in one eye.
He threw up, and left his credit card next to the puddle. He kept on saying he wanted to pay for the damages.
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No, this is a senior booty call. It cannot be ignored.
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
It looks like a baby bear tried to chew off my nipples.
u kept repeating to itself "hot cheetos and nacho cheese sauce.."
I'm fine w planning around your penis prospecting. Saturday it is.
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.