my penis was classy and tasteful, i don't know what her problem was.
Why are handjobs necessary in class?
Yeah he is here but I can't let him know I am until he has like 30 min worth of drinks. so when he see me he isn't like "omg ew,NO!"
I have so much to learn from you, wise slut
So he sent me a text that said "say hi to your vajayjay for me"
Was there any message he wanted you to relay to your asshole?
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please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
he sent me a picture of his dick with a heart border around it
Yes, I did know where her mouth had been, but frankly I think it was a lesson you needed to learn.
Is it sad that I have better conversations with his roommate before or after sex than I do with him in general?
After he finished he sang his college fight song like it was some victory
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Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
I am serious when I say I think I broke a rib having sex with Kyle. It might be puncturing my lung. No lie. I might die today.
On a side note, my ex husband offered to buy me shrooms