sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
eating mexican with the mother in law. this meal made her decide to tell us about her colon cleansing diet
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
He said if I stayed the night he'd take me to church in the morning.
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Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
Her idea of kinky involved a tazer
I'm going back tonight
Faking my way through an entire party as a British exchange student. Wish me luck.
I asked what you thought of her and you replied not the biggest I have had
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I'm just waiting for the avalanche of beef.
You came into my room and started rubbing a banana on your face.
I went to the bar without a bra on pretty sure you can go to Taco Bell drive thru with no pants
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
I know EXACTLY where things went wrong with her...I didn't use Cheetos as a wooing tool.