Not too sure about the toy story pull ups. The kids point to their crotch all day and say woody.
Im like a co-bf. he pays for her birthday and christmas, but i get all the action.
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
He woke me up, handed me a ringing phone and said break up w her for me. That hung over.
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
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