I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
I have sucked so much dick this week I think I am going to start sweating semen
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
I know I'm not the first to fuck in a park but i deserve props for doing it at 3pm. On a sunny day might I add.
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
UPDATE: WE WILL BE HITTING THE BATMAN PINATA WITH A SWORD
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
He picked me up in the very car he devirginized me in, his moms toyota.
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
So you're not gonna be in town tonight?! Your dick was the light at the end of my academic tunnel!
His family, without saying anything, started a game of quarters the moment the drinks arrived. I love them. If only I didn't hate him so much.
Randomize
