carls jr on main st. japanese tourist taking a dump in the urinal. reading a japanese newspaper and wearing a full suit.
be there in 3 mins
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
have u ever looked at the reflection of the water n watched the poop come out of u?
why can't you just be normal
Oh i know my limit. 9 shots after i've given blood.
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just had to shower sitting down. i hope this isn't an indicator of how the rest of my week is going to go.
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
They made the rule if I caught the ball with my cleavage they would drink the entire beer pong table. I don't think they expected me to actually do it.
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
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Finals week game: One shot for every psychological trauma I've been through that I have to explain in detail. Man I hate my major sometimes.
We were so amazed while watching mission impossible ghost protocol last night we didn't even have sex
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
This girl was in the river screaming that someone didn't love her anymore...that's when the guy in a kilt claimed her...
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
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