I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
I'm gonna sleep with her just to prove to my roomate that shes a slut and he's wasting his time
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
He threw up in a cup in the limo and when he got out the bouncer told him he couldn't bring drinks in so he gave the glass to that dumb girl we brought with us from c street.
I know, she tried to drink it
Is it sad I don't want to go buy $1 Mac-n-cheese cause I need to pay rent... I'm re-naming this college.
Also, peanut butter on a spoon dinner is back in existence and it is good.
there is something about beer and popsicles that make the world go round
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
HOLY SHIT. I JUST FOUND OUT THAT THE KARL/RORY BASEBALL FIGHT THAT RORY LOST WAS 2 YEARS AGO TODAY. RIP KARL'S DICK.
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
The guy I slept with in AZ just called and is moving here next week.
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
Am I the only person in the world that does not give a shit about the avengers?
thanks for letting me have sex in your bed, too bad you didn't get to yet
who are you?
Randomize
