dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
i convinced her that her period would come back if we did it doggy style
you were having sex in the bathroom so i pee'd in your bong water...
Hello everyone will one of you please inform me on why I woke up in a cardboard recycle dumpster with no shirt and a stuffed animal? I want to hear this explanation.
Your godly.
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
Anyway. I unfriended all of these people like a grown up and I am never talking to them again
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
After we fucked we sat in bed and watched Charlie St. Cloud and he fed me ice cream. It was probably the most romantic thing I've ever done.
Randomize
