so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
You said that we had to leave the party together and proceeded to repeat the "ducks fly together" speech from The Mighty Ducks word for word. Soon the whole party was quite and started chanting quack..quack...quack..
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
Fastest blow job ever. Though it was probably a good thing since we were in front of my house.
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
He's a forty-something balding gay man with no boundaries or sense of social norms. Of course we should befriend him.
Your stories are the best. I feel like you're a spy among the heteros. It's not fair.
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
Yeah I mean once a gun is being waved around, its probably a good time to leave the party
But the music was sooo good
Nothing more awkward that being butt ass naked in a guys bed and his ex wife shows up with his kid....
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
You seem like the type to go to a craft sale baked out of your mind. I like you.
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
Randomize
