I had to call maintenance to come unclog the toilet.
Something to remember me by.
just because she threw up on my junk doesnt mean i dont like asians anymore
Everything that you guys said happened came back to me. like a tidal wave of regret.
Attn: you have now used your free, one time admission to pleasure town. Thank you for visiting I hope you enjoyed your trip. All future trips to P.T. Will cost you full admission price. We have different pricing plans to accommodate different situations, and remember it is more of a bartering system than a set price. Your patronage is always welcomed and once again thank you for visiting and have a fantastic evening.
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
She dresses cool and she's mean. And she has fake boobs I feel like I can relate to her on so many levels.
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
you look like you're about to get down on your knees and give america the business.
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
Randomize
