im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
You've got more to offer than just money. Come on. You have an awesome rack.
Jeff just maced a waitress...it's way too early for this.
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
NO I WOULD NOT GET A GUMMER FROM A GRANDMOTHER
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
It's not even noon yet and I just fucked my professor's son in the psych lab..it's gonna be a great day.
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