I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
I just foul balled at work. I had taken off my coat too… had to go to the sink wash my hands then go back to the stall and pick up my coat. I hope the guy shitting in the stall next to me didn’t figure out what happened.
she asked if she could keep her bee antennas on during her mugshot. i love halloween.
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
So apparently the christmas orgy was a complete disaster
i swear to god. if they dont have practically DTF written on their foreheads, or a glowstick in their hands, strictly no entry.
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
So that advice that humming stops you from puking? Yeah no, just puked through my nose.
There is an unwrapped tampon, a condom, a rubber chicken and a slim Jim currently sitting on our dining room table.
He makes balloon animals that get you high? Hell yeah invite him over!
I'd climb him like a horny MILF spider monkey.
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