She was so high she ate a little piece of weed off her pants and thought it was food.
That reminds me...we need to get swords
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
I love my boobs, they're the only thing that supports me. They make me a solid 6.
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
I'm getting shit face wasted, and I have to be up so early tomorrow. I am bad at smart.
he shit on the floor last night i'm not venturing down there
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
I just kept thinking.. Holy shit. We're fucking in my front yard.
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
She told me "I think I'm going to puke tonight" a few seconds later she said smiling"I can't wait!"
Listening to The Little Mermaid soundtrack should cure my drunkeness right?
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