textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
She was wearing a "Got Beer" hat and your bed had necco wafers all over it the next morning. Another story for the grandkids.
I cant yet im literally covered in lube but I will later
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
2 more and I will have fucked 75 percent of my acting class. best. elective. ever.
Bisexual Viking-cowboy hybrid is at the bar again
Dibsssss
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
I'm sure we could go all project runway on our diapers and create some flattering absorbent thongs. We could do it on the Boat. Call it project rumway.
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
I feel like my life just hangs in the balance of "Yeah I'm probably not doing this right"
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
Randomize
