I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
so i definitely just saw 2 cops high five each other as they were arresting underage drinkers in 5 points.
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
He walked me home last night across campus while i fed him pasta out of a solo cup at 3 am.
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
He made me a mix cd. There is obviously something wrong with him.
In preparation of Wine in the Woods next weekend, today we're hosting Straight Vodka in the Bathtub
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
i just drunk stumbled into my home... to figure out that we moved 2 weeks ago..
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
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