Hey man sorry I got all grabby
My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
and she was petting her beer can
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
Would you even take no as an answer? I have a feeling you see it more as a challenge.
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
Haha we both slept with guys named Brad born on may 1st. This is a proud day for sisters.
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
