Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
I just went to a chocolate syrup wrestling party I think you need to get on my level
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
I spent an hour trying to convert bar outfits to church outfits. Its hard.
Just got a blowjob in her closet with two people sleeping outside in the room. I feel like the emperor of college.
I think the camel was justified in biting me.
The cops said we could pay $250 or spend the night in jail and get 2 free meals. I might pee in mail-boxes more often
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
I don't want anything calamari shaped after last night. But I appreciate the Cheerios offer.
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
You know shit got weird when you watched another guy shove drugs up your wife's ass and it wasn't awkward for any of us....
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
Randomize
