Don't bone anyone, just think of ur vibrator lol
HHaaaaaaaaa mmmmn vibrator
Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
We started snorting MDMA at 3 in the afternoon...it was never going to end well.
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
You were crying and asking his mom "why doesn't he like road head?"
I actually didn't mind her sub-par blowjob skills.. It took me back to a time when skipping class was noticed, and my liver didn't look like a worn out shoe
Legitimate concern. Who am I going to have birthday sex with?
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
He puked over my shoulder into the toilet. The guy in the next stall sounded totally appalled.
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
Randomize
