I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
I can't even teach it... It's just natural slutyness.. My mom has it too
I got concerned once i realized you weren't there to hear us having sex. See I do worry about you.
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
The salesman at the smoke shop just told me my hair is glorious...
I'm over my straight phase. They all turned out to be idiots and none of them got me off. I'm going back to hot girls with strap ons.
If by some world ending natural disaster I get into an actual relationship with this kid, should I tell him the truth about the web of lies I've based our current relationship on?
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
Some how my underwear was hanging from the antlers of a antelope head on the wall of the hotel........
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
Ran into my FWB on my walk of shame and went back to her place. Even my walk of shames are awesome!!!
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